Monkey Head

Am I the only one who finds this disturbing? Merry freaking Christmas. I like you so much I got you this screaming chimpanzee head. Hey, put it on a timer and set it to go off at 2:30am. Sweet freaking dreams, chowderhead. Next year I'll get you the upper torso and a year's supply of monkey dung. Imagine the fun.

Mmmmmm

It's what's for lunch. A potato a day keeps the demons away. The voices in my head always calm down after a potato. I've toyed with the idea of inserting potatoes rectally for double the goodness. I think about things like this a lot. For instance, what's with all the little bunnies on Teletubbies? Could they be inserted rectally?

In other news, you're invited to Christmas services Sunday morning at the Universal Life Church of Kentucky.

The Bullet is Lodged in the Wall

I think I might be bullet proof. I tried to blow my brains out a few minutes ago and missed. What about gravy? Who came up with that name? Couldn't you call it, say, goophbum? I'd like some mashed potatoes with goophbum. How about some goophbum on your dressing? That would have been too bad for that guy at Woodstock, Wavy Gravy. Who'd listen to a guy named Wavy Goophbum?

Billy

Here's my friend Billy. He eats a lot of tuna, thus the mercury poisoning. He gets visibly larger on warm days. He does a lot of acid and thinks the world looks orange. When he was in the army he killed 14 Germans. When he got home from Viet Nam he killed 14 more. He works at a day care center in Akron. I let the air out of his tires once and he blew them back up with his mouth.

My Sausage Hurts

My neuroses have a first name,
it's O-S-C-A-R.
My neuroses have a second name,
it's M-A-Y-E-R.

I like to freak out everyday,
and if you ask me why I'll say,
cause Oscar Mayer has a way,
with n-e-u-r-o-s-e-s.

Drivers license picture

Does this make me look fat?

Desi says dance

I often wonder, "What's it all about? What are we here for? What is my purpose in this life?" Sometimes I get depressed and think that none of this is worth it. Other times I'm giddy as a schoolgirl! It depends on lunch. Did I tell you I had a potato yesterday? Desi says, "Teletubbies come out and play!"

Sorry

I apologize. This is just wrong, and I promise I'll never do it again.

Jeebus

This just freaks me out. Is part of his face glowing, or is the other part sucking the light out of the universe? He's got cats eyes. Does that mean he has nine lives? Get a haircut, hippy. Why are his eyes following me? It looks like he had a bad acne problem, but he's much better now. He's got 10,000,000 candle power coming out of the back of his head.

Butthook

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with this picture. Is it the light reflecting off his glasses? The open collar shirt with french cuffs? THIS IS DRIVING ME FREAKIN' CRAZY!! What is it about this picture that's about to make my head explode!?

I had a potato for lunch. I sprayed clear polyurethane all over my body because I wanted to be waterproof. Why am I levitating?

anus jpg

Here is the ever popular anus jpg. She's called "anus" because her name is Anusandra Liecher from Hazard, Kentucky. She enjoys corresponding with Nigerians. She vacations in Argentina and Catalina Island. She enjoys clubbing baby seals. She never met a truck driver she didn't like. Her eyes are removable. The aliens probed her and didn't like what they found. She has a twitch in her step and a spring in her face. She's a rainbow. She's outside your door, please let her in. Her eyes are like cesspools of starlight, her ears hang low and wobble too and fro.

Good night, sweet anus, goodnight.

My theme song

sung to the tune of the Rambo theme
My name is Beezer,
I am a mutant.

I'm still working on it.

Meanwhile, be sure to visit the Universal Life Church of Kentucky.