Enima

Rev. Dr. Enima Gunne burning down the house last Sunday.

I'm Like The Wind

Because my life blows. I can't find my car keys. That's alright, though, because I always hitch hike. You thought I was going to say it's alright because I don't have a car. Fooled you. Oh satan you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Satan, hey Satan. If not for Satan, who would God have to hate? That would kind of make God a little less relevant, now wouldn't it? I've been thinking about getting my nipples pierced. Cat's are funny, like whenever I walk by Pussy she leaps at my crotch, clawing and biting. Ha ha.

My Knees Ache

Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, or Santa will cut your throat. Potatoes are God's perfect food. Potatoes are the fruit of the garden. You can have them fried, you can put them in a stew, there's potato bisque. Mama always said life is like a box of potatoes. When do we eat? I'm starved. I really like dogs. They taste like chicken. Just ask Yoko Ono. Is Britney Spears out of rehab and still not married? There may be hope for me yet.

Mom.

My mom just sent me this video letter. Some things never change, God Bless Her!

It's In My Pants

I have chigger bites from going hunting yesterday. I might also have key lime disease from ticks. Jelly. Just jelly. I like mine blue. Did you know they have octopus flavored ice cream in Japan? That's just wrong. Possum flavored ice cream, now there's some good eats. I think alot about things, but nothing ever comes to mind. If the world ended today we'd probably all be dead. But you know what? I'd like to buy the world a Coke. Hey, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. My alter ego is George Burns. I'M GOD! Where was I? Lindsay Lohan went back to rehab today. I'm still trying to figure out just who Lindsay Lohan is. I was just elected President of Mexico in my own mind.

I'm Short of Breath.

Did you have a nice Memorial Day? Billy and I went hunting. Normally, you don't want Billy anywhere near a firearm, but after all, it was Memorial Day. We bagged a cow. My sister called and wanted my recipe for corn fritters, so I gave her my recipe for Key Lime pie. A chimpanzee came to my door today and handed me a copy of The Watchtower. Then he threw dung in my face. Tartar sauce good. Mayonaisse bad. At least the mayo I've had sitting out on my kitchen counter since 1992. Can't we all just get along?

TELETUBBIES

A very important message.

She Love You Long Time.

My sister is on vacation and her tits are on fire. That must really suck. I'm depressed because it's Saturday. No Teletubbies. My fish died. It might have been because Pussy ate him, but I can't be sure. Billy came over and poured salt in my wounds. I'm totally coherent. I laced my beer with heroin and I'M LIKE A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON. I come from a broken home, but I saved a few pieces. I want a girlfriend. And a pony. And a new fish. Tomorrow is Sunday, so I must think of a children's sermon. Maybe something about lesbians.

Bacon Bacon Bacon

I'm starting to wonder if I might have cancer or typhoid or something. There's this growth on my left shoulder. I just had a potato sandwich. Umm, Umm. Pigs are supposed to be smarter than dogs, so why do we eat them and not Rover? I just thought of something. And poof, just like that it's gone. The voices in my head are speaking Japanese. Which shirt do you like better, this one or this one? My muse went out for cigarettes 15 years ago and hasn't come back yet. I want an illegal alien from Honduras to wave at cars going by my house. Sic temper tyrannus. I'm a big fan of unknown people. God is my pilot. I'm just a stowaway on his boat.

Teletubbies - Liberate

This is so sweet.

I'm Vibrating

So this girl here came into the Church today looking for a job. Rev. Dr. Gunne asked if she had any special talents. She said she could fly, so he says, oh really? Let me see. I wonder why God can take away babies, but Bob Barker is still here. I've drank 27 cups of coffee today. YIPPIE. I want a girlfriend. And a pony. Did I tell you that already? Tell you what? Nevermind, I'm just getting confused. I'm also physically vibrating from all that caffeine. Doesn't that girl over there look a little like that dried up old cow in the Boniva commercials? By the way, she can fly. She flew down to Maynard's General store here in Hazard for Rev. Dr. Gunne's cigarettes so fast that she was back before she left. I wonder if she wants a boyfriend?

I'm Melting

Seems like everytime I run across an Interstate Highway someone hits me doing, like, 80 miles an hour. There are SPEED LIMITS, people. My dog ate a Korean. I found out that my neighbor likes to keep to himself. He wouldn't explain why he's digging holes in his crawl space. That can over there to the right is my friend Billy's own personal beer. He drinks it and has beer farts that would propel most men to the moon, but he wears gravity boots. I smoked a salmon. Do you have any idea how many cigarette papers that takes? Damn, went to the store for more robot parts, and forgot Draino.

New Neighbor!

This fine fellow just moved in next door today! I think I'll ask him over for lunch tomorrow so we can watch Teletubbies and eat potatoes together. My eyes are better after I reattached my retinas. Pussy is still contemplating sucking the breath of life out of me when I sleep tonight. Why don't they broadcast golf on the radio? Is Yoko Ono still alive? If so, why? I'm contemplating suicide, but I'm out of Draino. My doctor knows I've been depressed, so he gave me a prescription for heroin. It seems to be working. I want a pony. My dreams haunt me, especially the one about trying to reinsert an egg into a chicken. Billy just came over. He's dipping Fritos Scoops in Alpo and rubbing them in his hair.

I Gave Pussy A Bath

I think I might be blind because she came like a bursting kernel of popcorn out of the water and attached herself to my face, clawing furiously at my retinas. Now, think about cheese. Who was the first person to say, hey, let's let some milk go rancid and eat it. Don't NASCAR drivers ever get tired of only making left hand turns? Why don't they run races backwards just to change things up a bit? My gout is better today. I think my pencil is out of ink.

Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

I should have been a pirate. I'd look silly in mascara, though. Did you ever wonder what it would be like to live on the moon? I tried to deep fry my hand. It might have worked out alright if the oil was hotter than room temperature. The Church is having a fundraiser. Please help us by buying a saw for Jesus. Here is the link. I'm building a robot in my back yard so that I can say I made a friend.

They Don't Like Clowns

I don't either. They're kind of scary. I was frightened by a clown as a child. His name was John Wayne Gacy. I never actually met him. I was just frightened by him. These guys look like they're having a great time. I wish I was there with them. Me and Billy. We could beat up the clown, then go inside and have a tasty meal, along with a hot apple pie. Now there's some good eats.

Wow. It's been awhile.

Hey folks. Sorry it's been so long. Trying to get the old art career going, plus being kidnapped by Al Qaeda, have really cut in to my time. But I had a potato for lunch and watched the Telletubbies, so everything is right in the world.