Sirius Sucks

Proof that satellite radio sucks.

May The Horse Be With You

If you have sex with a horse, do you automatically go to hell? My neighbor's mare has been giving me the eye, if you know what I mean. Satellite radio stinks. It sounds like horse farts. I like WKDO. Now there's some good radio. I ate a mushroom that was growing in my yard, and now I'm seeing stars. And planets. And Klingons. May the horse be with you, by jiminy. I'm hot around the edges, but cold in the middle. Paris Hilton called me, but didn't leave a message. I know it was her. Or my uncle Pete, that child molester. Every kid in the neighborhood but me, the bastard. Did I mention satellite radio sucks? Especially Sirius, XM sucks just a little less. I drove from Hazard to London, and now my floormats are wet.

I'm Famous!

Did you know I had a comic written about me? I didn't. Then I found this comic book down at Hazel's Road Kill and Antique Emporium in Hazard. I was amazed! Sirius Satellite radio is really lame. I like catfish. It's good with potatoes. Is their an "E" is potatoes? I don't know. I won the Hazard spelling bee in 5th grade, but nobody else entered. My fingers smell like cat poop. Sirius satellite radio is really lame. My car is up on blocks, and I can't get no satis traction. Did I mention Sirius satellite radio is really lame? When does Paris get out of the pokey? I'm disappointed because.

Mickey Mouse Is My Hero

Disney RULEZ!

I'm A Diva

Paris and Nicky together. Now THERE'S a fun sandwich! Add a little mayo and you're on your way to heaven, Thank The Lord! Come to Hazard, Kentucky, girls, and I'll make you queens! Actually, we have a queen in Hazard, and his name is Norman. I'm having herring in sour cream tonight. I found it at the Hazard Big Lots. Did you know you can buy stuff from all around the world at Big Lots? Sure, most of the expiration dates are before 2002, but them's good eats none the less! Pussy got out in my garden and ate all the collards. Now her feces are all green and mushy. I tried them with some white vinegar. NOT BAD! Those arabs are crazy! I'm waiting for Paris to call me from jail. I'll accept the charges! She called Barbra Walters. It's my turn next. I started a joke, and the whole world's not laughing. My ankle hurts.

I'm A Silly Goose

Sorry, it's been a few days since my last blog. I hurt my ankle trying to jump across a car on the Interstate on my way to church last Sunday. It's swollen up to the size of a basketball and turned all orange and blue and stuff. I had the most delicious potato for lunch. I put ketchup and radish shavings on it. YUM YUM! Did you know mice like to hitch a ride on the backs of toads? I didn't until I took this picture. Paris has found Jesus! Praise the Lord! I think I'll invite her to services at the Universal Life Church when she gets out and try to snag me some of that skanky poontang.

She's The Goddess

God is the master. Paris is the key. BELIEVE!

Crawl To Me, Paris

You can say what you want, but I'm going after her. Paris is the next Mrs. Beezer. When she gets out, she's going to want a real man like me. I remember Linda Blair in that prison movie, with the broomstick and all that. Paris is going to be my girlfriend, and I'll treat her like a queen in my doublewide. She'll swoon to my WKDO radio. I'm in love, and only Jesus can stop love, and he ain't saying anything. I've been listenting on my scanner. Crawl across my linoleum, Paris, crawl across!

Well Balanced Diet

I think I caught rabies. I live in the woods just outside of Hazard, and a monkey jumped out of a tree and bit me on the neck. Or did I bite him? It's hard to remember, because I'd just taken my daily heroin injection. Anyways, what do you know about typhus? Since I have no running water in the trailor, I drink out of a creek just downstream from a large pig farm. I like hot dogs. They're like little sausages, only with pork pudding inside. I dress them up with sauerkraut and onions and have a fart fest. With beer. Lots and lots of beer. I wonder how Paris Hilton is doing. While farting.

Soul Man

Truly thought provoking and inspiring.

Eat More Cheese

The fun folks down at the Universal Life Church of Kentucky are having a bake sale this Saturday. I'm bringing my world famous Possum Stew. It rained today. I don't know why I'm here. I think it might have something to do with my parents. Insanity walks in my family. It's too lazy to run. Mashed potatoes for dinner! YUM YUM! Have you ever tried catfish sushi? French's mustard. What more can I say? I want to build a treehouse. I've never really cared how much wood a woodchuck could chuck. I'm indifferent. Does that make me like everyone else? Carly Simon, yeah!

I Itch, Therefore I Scratch

I'm continually reminded of my mortality by the voices in my head. "You're going to die! You're going to die!", they keep telling me, although now they're speaking German, and I don't understand German. My nose is bleeding. I have to remember to stop running into walls. I'm thinking about going to Branson. Pat Boone is trying to sell me a reverse mortgage. I stuck my head in the oven to kill myself, but it doesn't work with an electric stove. Turn around, bright eyes. I think I may be contagious.

Enima

Rev. Dr. Enima Gunne burning down the house last Sunday.

I'm Like The Wind

Because my life blows. I can't find my car keys. That's alright, though, because I always hitch hike. You thought I was going to say it's alright because I don't have a car. Fooled you. Oh satan you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Satan, hey Satan. If not for Satan, who would God have to hate? That would kind of make God a little less relevant, now wouldn't it? I've been thinking about getting my nipples pierced. Cat's are funny, like whenever I walk by Pussy she leaps at my crotch, clawing and biting. Ha ha.

My Knees Ache

Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, or Santa will cut your throat. Potatoes are God's perfect food. Potatoes are the fruit of the garden. You can have them fried, you can put them in a stew, there's potato bisque. Mama always said life is like a box of potatoes. When do we eat? I'm starved. I really like dogs. They taste like chicken. Just ask Yoko Ono. Is Britney Spears out of rehab and still not married? There may be hope for me yet.

Mom.

My mom just sent me this video letter. Some things never change, God Bless Her!

It's In My Pants

I have chigger bites from going hunting yesterday. I might also have key lime disease from ticks. Jelly. Just jelly. I like mine blue. Did you know they have octopus flavored ice cream in Japan? That's just wrong. Possum flavored ice cream, now there's some good eats. I think alot about things, but nothing ever comes to mind. If the world ended today we'd probably all be dead. But you know what? I'd like to buy the world a Coke. Hey, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. My alter ego is George Burns. I'M GOD! Where was I? Lindsay Lohan went back to rehab today. I'm still trying to figure out just who Lindsay Lohan is. I was just elected President of Mexico in my own mind.

I'm Short of Breath.

Did you have a nice Memorial Day? Billy and I went hunting. Normally, you don't want Billy anywhere near a firearm, but after all, it was Memorial Day. We bagged a cow. My sister called and wanted my recipe for corn fritters, so I gave her my recipe for Key Lime pie. A chimpanzee came to my door today and handed me a copy of The Watchtower. Then he threw dung in my face. Tartar sauce good. Mayonaisse bad. At least the mayo I've had sitting out on my kitchen counter since 1992. Can't we all just get along?

TELETUBBIES

A very important message.

She Love You Long Time.

My sister is on vacation and her tits are on fire. That must really suck. I'm depressed because it's Saturday. No Teletubbies. My fish died. It might have been because Pussy ate him, but I can't be sure. Billy came over and poured salt in my wounds. I'm totally coherent. I laced my beer with heroin and I'M LIKE A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON. I come from a broken home, but I saved a few pieces. I want a girlfriend. And a pony. And a new fish. Tomorrow is Sunday, so I must think of a children's sermon. Maybe something about lesbians.

Bacon Bacon Bacon

I'm starting to wonder if I might have cancer or typhoid or something. There's this growth on my left shoulder. I just had a potato sandwich. Umm, Umm. Pigs are supposed to be smarter than dogs, so why do we eat them and not Rover? I just thought of something. And poof, just like that it's gone. The voices in my head are speaking Japanese. Which shirt do you like better, this one or this one? My muse went out for cigarettes 15 years ago and hasn't come back yet. I want an illegal alien from Honduras to wave at cars going by my house. Sic temper tyrannus. I'm a big fan of unknown people. God is my pilot. I'm just a stowaway on his boat.

Teletubbies - Liberate

This is so sweet.

I'm Vibrating

So this girl here came into the Church today looking for a job. Rev. Dr. Gunne asked if she had any special talents. She said she could fly, so he says, oh really? Let me see. I wonder why God can take away babies, but Bob Barker is still here. I've drank 27 cups of coffee today. YIPPIE. I want a girlfriend. And a pony. Did I tell you that already? Tell you what? Nevermind, I'm just getting confused. I'm also physically vibrating from all that caffeine. Doesn't that girl over there look a little like that dried up old cow in the Boniva commercials? By the way, she can fly. She flew down to Maynard's General store here in Hazard for Rev. Dr. Gunne's cigarettes so fast that she was back before she left. I wonder if she wants a boyfriend?

I'm Melting

Seems like everytime I run across an Interstate Highway someone hits me doing, like, 80 miles an hour. There are SPEED LIMITS, people. My dog ate a Korean. I found out that my neighbor likes to keep to himself. He wouldn't explain why he's digging holes in his crawl space. That can over there to the right is my friend Billy's own personal beer. He drinks it and has beer farts that would propel most men to the moon, but he wears gravity boots. I smoked a salmon. Do you have any idea how many cigarette papers that takes? Damn, went to the store for more robot parts, and forgot Draino.

New Neighbor!

This fine fellow just moved in next door today! I think I'll ask him over for lunch tomorrow so we can watch Teletubbies and eat potatoes together. My eyes are better after I reattached my retinas. Pussy is still contemplating sucking the breath of life out of me when I sleep tonight. Why don't they broadcast golf on the radio? Is Yoko Ono still alive? If so, why? I'm contemplating suicide, but I'm out of Draino. My doctor knows I've been depressed, so he gave me a prescription for heroin. It seems to be working. I want a pony. My dreams haunt me, especially the one about trying to reinsert an egg into a chicken. Billy just came over. He's dipping Fritos Scoops in Alpo and rubbing them in his hair.

I Gave Pussy A Bath

I think I might be blind because she came like a bursting kernel of popcorn out of the water and attached herself to my face, clawing furiously at my retinas. Now, think about cheese. Who was the first person to say, hey, let's let some milk go rancid and eat it. Don't NASCAR drivers ever get tired of only making left hand turns? Why don't they run races backwards just to change things up a bit? My gout is better today. I think my pencil is out of ink.

Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

I should have been a pirate. I'd look silly in mascara, though. Did you ever wonder what it would be like to live on the moon? I tried to deep fry my hand. It might have worked out alright if the oil was hotter than room temperature. The Church is having a fundraiser. Please help us by buying a saw for Jesus. Here is the link. I'm building a robot in my back yard so that I can say I made a friend.

They Don't Like Clowns

I don't either. They're kind of scary. I was frightened by a clown as a child. His name was John Wayne Gacy. I never actually met him. I was just frightened by him. These guys look like they're having a great time. I wish I was there with them. Me and Billy. We could beat up the clown, then go inside and have a tasty meal, along with a hot apple pie. Now there's some good eats.

Wow. It's been awhile.

Hey folks. Sorry it's been so long. Trying to get the old art career going, plus being kidnapped by Al Qaeda, have really cut in to my time. But I had a potato for lunch and watched the Telletubbies, so everything is right in the world.